RE: Your Submission To The Alligator Opinion Section

Dear Erik,

Thank you for this week’s piece, though, as I’ve said before, you don’t really need to write it  on the back of a picture of the President dressed like a Sikh. E-mail is just fine. Also, you may want to consider a Google search of “what is a Sikh.”

A few editorial comments below.

————————————————————————————————-

I watched the Grammys Sunday — not that anyone cares.

Look, we talked about this. Don’t turn the reader off right away by suggesting that nobody cares about you. I know Bobby Jindal never wrote you back after you invited him to your laser tag birthday. He’s busy, and I don’t think he meant it personally. 

But if you ask me, it was gauche. LL Cool J reminded us why he should stick to bodybuilding, or whatever makes him so muscular.

We appreciate you avoiding a libel lawsuit by only impliedly accusing Mr. Cool James of illegal steroid use.

Taylor Swift reminded us why her exes probably would never ever want to get back together with her, either.

Topical! Ideally, these three separate sentences need not be individual paragraphs, but we’re short on ads this week so let’s go with the structure you’ve laid out.

Chris Brown reminded us that you can beat the hell out of a woman and still get nominated for a Grammy four years later.

I don’t understand our culture’s morbid obsession with awful music. I don’t understand why we worship these stodgy, talentless clowns. I don’t understand how we listen to their disgusting lyrics and then rationally admire them, whether it’s by following them on Twitter or purchasing their songs on iTunes (or converting them from YouTube).

Sure, it isn’t all of them, but it’s most of them. Music is something that is subjective, and I understand that. In terms of taste, it differs from generation to generation, from society to society and even from race to race.

One might even say musical taste varies from person to person. Oh wait, I forgot about Jock Jams 8: Only 4 Tha Poorz.

Like Obama’s view on gay marriage, it’s constantly evolving — which we can all be thankful for.

Is this sarcastic? Please add appropriate emoji if so. Maybe a baby, a sad raincloud, and a hot dog riding a bike. 

Soon, Fun. will disappear like the Jonas Brothers, Rihanna will be the next Whitney Houston and Drake will return to acting or high school, whichever comes first.

I found the Whitney Houston comparison very unclear. Are you suggesting Rihanna will meet an untimely death, or are you sitting on news of a sequel to The Preacher’s Wife that you haven’t divulged?

Without war, anti-war activists would have absolutely nothing to whine about, and I feel the same way about music: Without it, I would have nothing or nobody to make fun of.

Like I said earlier, music is relative, and therefore it’s impossible to define what objectively sounds the best.

This is a good end to the piece. Thank you again, and please feel oh wait you’re still going?

For example, I could argue that Jimmy Page played the best guitar solo of all time in “Stairway to Heaven,” but somebody else may say that it was Jimi Hendrix’s solo in “All Along the Watchtower,” Eddie Van Halen’s in “Eruption” or neither of the three.

But if there is something that we can all agree is the best, it’s this: the content of the lyrics. No one can deny that Bob Dylan, according to Rolling Stone readers, was the best songwriters of all time. Meanwhile, everyone can admit that the rap industry is characterized by some of the most inarticulate and unintelligible lyricists who confuse clever wordplay and humorous puns for childish metaphors and lay-z innuendos.

The thing we can all agree is the worst is this paragraph! Ha! I’m just kidding, Erik, but let’s see if we can make this a little better. For instance, Bob Dylan can not be the “best songwriters.” He’s just one person. Again, if you’re sitting on a “Bob Dylan Is An Army Of Clones” exclusive, please share it with the rest of us.

I’ll be honest with you. I can’t stand rap. I believe that it is the most profligate and ignoble profession of all.

I’m glad to hear people who kidnap and sell children into sexual slavery have moved up a notch in your estimation.

Rappers spew filth and objectify women. They glorify violence and promote drug use. Paradoxically, they are the most outspoken about the War in Iraq and women’s rights — and so are their listeners.

Please re-send this portion of the piece, as it appears to lack any reference to a) rap artists speaking out about the War in Iraq (you do know that’s sort of over, yes?) or the rights of women, b) any examples of the lyrics you find so offensive, c) the part that’s supposed to be reasoned argument and not just conclusions you stole from a Glenn Beck Gold Fortress  of Patriotism commercial.

There’s nothing that I enjoy more than the feminist who bops her head to sexist lyrics or the lefty who listens to filthy, untalented thugs. These are the same people who criticized Todd Akin because he said “legitimate rape” and chided Mitt Romney because he mentioned “binders full of women.”

What about pizza? You don’t enjoy that more? Pizza is pretty great. 

If only Romney had sang it, featuring rapper Akin, then he would have been a potential nominee Sunday night at the Grammys. And maybe he would be our president.

This is a good point. I remember that most of the firestorm surrounding Todd Akin centered around his whack beats and over-reliance on Auto-Tune.

Their freedom to express themselves trumps the negative influence their songs have on teenagers and the college-aged.

If we have the power to tax carbon monoxide emissions or to socialize health care, then wouldn’t it make sense to regulate their morally repugnant verbiage by tacking on a surcharge every time they sing something obscene, or make some idiotic reference to the Illuminati — whatever that is.

The Constitution is tricky, I agree, what with its multiple amendments and lack of pictures. Why can’t it just say what we want it to?

I’m certainly joking, but imagine how many Planned Parenthood clinics would lose business if teenagers weren’t manipulated by disparaging, undereducated pigs who encouraged fans to sleep around, mistreat women and, uh, vote for the current president.

This was an unexpected turn! I assume you’re referencing Black Rob’s less-successful second album, “Abstinence First But Definitely Birth Control Never.” 

Does that make me out of touch?

Not one bit, Erik. You’ve done a fine job filling the role of Opinion Columnist Who Can’t Be Bothered To Do Any Actual Work, and we very much appreciate your efforts.

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